Warhead
by andrella07
Summary: Not for the weak of heart, but not exactly for the strong of heart either.
1. Warhead

**Warhead**

**Andrella07**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

**Reviews: Up to you, but always appreciated.**

***Warning: This story deals with a rape, it is explicit and violent. It is **_**not**_** something you should read if that kind of thing gets to you.***

* * *

_Sometimes I forget that it happened. What does that mean? As the time passes the memory fades. I know it does, I can feel that. It reminds me of ash, the kind that falls in a nuclear winter. At first the thoughts are thick and weighty, they hold to you, reestablish when you shake them off. After a while you begin to touch them, one at a time. They smear between your fingers, and they're slowly rubbed away. Some are gone forever; some remain on the skin you haven't noticed yet. But most are light trails of ash, ash that once settled like a flake, a flake that once existed. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I was raped._

Claire never really thought herself poetic, but there was darkness to the way she felt. Especially when her obligations were complete for the night and her mind was left to wander. She pulled her knees into her chest as she sat by the fire cooking the desert sand below it. It was late, no one else was up, and she really should be sleeping. But the redhead just couldn't bring herself to move.

She never should've scouted that place by herself. Alice had offered to go with her, but Claire was determined to prove that she could handle a tiny raid on her own without the stoic blonde to babysit her.

What a mistake that had turned out to be; a three week old mistake that caused Claire to throw herself into her leadership and almost flat out ignore Alice. The blonde had tried to kiss her numerous times, but Claire avoided the intimacy with excuses of needing to do something or just not saying anything at all. When they went to sleep at night in her yellow Hummer, the redhead placed herself in the driver's seat, not in the back where space could be made so that Alice could curl around her or she could cuddle up to Alice. She knew she was being unfair to the woman.

If the blonde noticed the way she was being treated, she'd yet to voice it. That was perfectly fine with Claire, in fact it was preferred. She was in charge of almost thirty lives. Thirty lives that depended on _her_ to keep them safe. Claire was beginning to truly doubt her ability to keep anyone safe. Yes, she could protect them from the infection by traveling constantly, but if she couldn't keep one man from taking from her, then how could she expect to keep the convoy safe from predators of the worst kind – the still human kind…

They'd run into volatile groups of survivors before, brigands and thieves that only wanted for themselves. Claire had no patience for them, and luckily her group had always been big enough to thwart their attempts. Now, with Alice, it didn't matter what her convoy faced. The blonde dispersed every threat with ease. It spurred Claire to prove herself. She knew Alice would never usurp her role as leader, the blonde was a steady loner, but that didn't stop Claire from feeling useless.

So when the opportunity came to scour a place for supplies the redhead jumped at it, insisting that she could take on one tiny farmhouse and be back within the hour, while the rest of the convoy members stayed in the sandy town. She'd hopped in the Hummer and drove the seven minutes out of town to the building they'd passed on their way in. They hadn't given it the once over before because Claire wanted to check the town first. But they'd found next to nothing, and she decided it would be worth it to travel back to the farmhouse.

Now, she hardly felt safe anymore. It was the stupid little things. Chase fiddling with his knife, Mikey's naive terms of affection, K-mart's easy smile. They all expelled the bullet of the memory into her brain. Sometimes she pulled the trigger herself and brought up sensory details she'd missed the first time through. The white shirt he'd worn, the dust on the floor beneath her, even something so tiny as the splinter that caught beneath her fingernail as she tightened her hands into fists. The splinter was long removed, the experience was not.

When the flashbacks came about, her stomach went sour. If it was anywhere close to mealtime she abandoned her appetite. Claire turned to the problems of others to cope. It was much easier to manage somebody else's life than her own.

She hardly cared who was really at fault. Claire blamed herself. It was the one thing she could control – she could decide exactly how guilty she wanted to be. Had she taken someone with her, had she not been so stubborn, had she not been determined to bring a stranger hope – she wouldn't have lost hers.

-Three Weeks Ago-

Claire stepped down from the Hummer as the sun began to set behind her. Like countless times before, the redhead withdrew her Glock but approached a possibly dangerous situation with more arrogance than normal. It was as if her overconfidence was being put forth to combat the fear. She truly hadn't felt any kind of real terror since Alice had come to them six months ago. But Alice wasn't here.

She swallowed as she chided herself for coming out here alone. Not only was it unsafe, it was irresponsible. She had survivors to take care of, and the redhead should've never risked her life in such a foolish way. Still, she approached the rundown farmhouse because if she was in for a dime, she was in for a dollar. Claire was simply too stubborn to turn away.

She entered the old homestead, semi-automatic in firing position as she searched the house top to bottom. The sweep found the place empty of undead. It seemed she'd been paranoid for nothing, so Claire holstered the gun and did a more thorough hunt for useable items. She headed for the pantry first and made trips out to the Hummer to deposit the nonperishables she gathered.

The sun was still dipping below the horizon when Claire went upstairs to raid the medicine cabinet. She found aspirin and even an unopened tube of toothpaste. Claire went upstairs one more time because earlier she'd seen eye liner and knew that K-mart would be happy to have it. She slipped the small, green-leaded pencil into her pants pocket and then heard an engine.

Claire put a hand on her gun automatically, but her mind was trying to convince herself that it was just one of the convoy members coming to check up on her – probably Alice. The house had grown dark, but Claire's eyes had long ago adjusted to the failing light. So she'd never bothered with a flashlight.

The engine died, and Claire listened to a car door shut; then to steps inside the house. She was tempted to call out but held back. The person was coming up the stairs, and it suddenly clicked. It wasn't Alice; the blonde was _never_ that loud.

Claire immediately un-holstered her gun but kept it at her side as a figure emerged at the top. Even in the dim light, she could see it was a man and not a member of her group. Their eyes met, and Claire gripped her gun tighter as her heart nearly pounded out of her chest. She was being irrational, so she tried to fill her voice with confidence. Meeting strangers was always tense, but it was possible that she was about to have a new person to add to her convoy.

"Hey," she said steadily. Her green eyes traveled around his body to search for any weapons, but she only saw an empty holster. "There's a convoy – in town. It's a pretty big group, and we can keep you safe and fed." Claire swallowed, but the man didn't respond right away.

He took a step to her, and she matched the motion with one step back.

"Sorry," he said, his voice gruff.

Claire tilted her head slightly, curious. The man, imposing in stature and rigid in his movement, spoke again. The redhead was so focused on placing what it was in his voice, that she hardly noticed his slow approach.

"I've been on my own for a while. Almost since everything turned to shit."

"Well, you don't have to be alone anymore," Claire said back with compassion.

He was almost like Alice – lonely, hopeless. Claire had brought hope back to the blonde; she'd brought it to so many.

It wasn't until he was speaking again, only three feet away, that the redhead finally placed his tone.

"No. No, I won't."

It was desire, but not for the hope she offered. In an instant Claire aimed at him, but he knocked her gun hand aside at the same time grabbing her wrist with enough force that she couldn't pull away. She thought to unsheathe her knife, but it was out of the reach of her left hand with the position the man had her in. He yanked the gun away from her but not before her finger squeezed the trigger.

The bullet grazed him, and he grunted in pain. The next thing Claire knew, she was backhanded to the floor. She was finally able to unsheathe her knife as her lower lip throbbed with bruising. Before Claire could right herself to use the blade, the brute was back to attacking her. He reached for the glinting metal as she tried to roll onto her back. It caught him in the hand until he grabbed at her again. Claire could feel his blood smearing into her skin as his hold kept her from using the knife a second time.

He put pressure on her hand, nearly dislocating it until she dropped the steel blade. The brute made a fist around the fabric of her shirt and tugged until Claire was completely turned over onto her back. He released the grip on her clothes after he put a knee onto her thigh, holding her beneath his weight. Claire was about to lash out with her fists, but she suddenly found her own knife put to her throat.

She struggled anyway and pressure found the tip of the blade pushed into her beneath her collarbone. The sharp pain and the man's voice brought Claire back to the reality of her situation.

"You fucking _keep still_, bitch!"

Claire didn't want to keep still – she wanted to fight, to scream, to cry. Fight the bastard, scream with defiance…cry for Alice to come save her. She couldn't do any of those things, not if she wanted to live.

She felt the man's fingers tear at her belt and when it was undone felt the same fumbled, excited touch at her pants button. The knife pressed a little harder into her throat as the man did the same with his own pants, but without a sideways motion the steel didn't break skin. She stared up at him, in the darkness and in bold anger, but he hardly noticed. He was already stiff at the thought of taking her, and Claire couldn't up the strong façade any longer. Not when he used a free hand to spread her legs and then pushed himself inside her unwilling body.

It wasn't defiance she screamed with – it was pain. Still, as the man thrust into her with increasing fervor and throaty moans, it wasn't for Alice's rescue she cried. The blonde wasn't coming to save her, and when the man finished his assault Claire knew she'd likely be killed. If he didn't slit her throat, she'd be dead anyway.

It wasn't Alice's lithe frame above her, or her fingers lavishing Claire with their attention, or the tender devotion that poured from Alice when she was around the redhead. Claire would have given anything for that to be the case. Her tears fell from closed green eyes in silence at the loss of hope.

Eventually, the pain subsided, the force he was using to grope her breast with the hand that wasn't holding her knife faded, the back and forth motion was lost to the numb state Claire found herself in.

Then it was over. At first the redhead thought he'd finished taking from her what she only wanted to give Alice. But he'd moved away entirely too quickly for that. The brute didn't get off of her voluntarily, and when Claire finally opened her eyes she saw why.

Alice – maddened and monstrous – had thrown the man backwards by his shirt. He hit a wall but managed to keep the knife in his grip. Claire found the strength to crawl backwards as Alice squared off with the standing man, unarmed herself but never defenseless. The blonde let him get to his feet and even let him attack first. He swung out with the steel, but Alice jumped backwards from the reach of the blade.

He came again at her again, this time from above. Claire watched Alice sidestep the move and then strike out faster than she had ever seen. Alice caught his hand and did dislocate it as she twisted the knife out his grip. The man hollered in pain, but he really screamed at Alice's next attack. She kicked him in the kneecap causing a bone to splinter out the backside of his leg. The blonde released her captive, and he fell to the ground whimpering. In another second, the fight ended.

Alice un-holstered a single pistol and shot him straight on in the forehead. Even in the dark, the blonde's accuracy was perfect.

Claire saw Alice turn to face her and didn't realize that she was shaking until the blonde took a step towards her. She immediately reacted, pressing herself tightly to the wall behind her. It caused Alice to hesitate. The blonde brought her hand up, reaching out gently before speaking.

"Claire?"

At the sound of Alice calling her name, Claire found herself settling.

She answered back, her voice raspy and weak. "_Alice?_"

Before she could shy away further, Claire was lifted in Alice's strong arms. Alice stared down at her with her eyebrows knitted together in absolute worry. Claire was carried in the powerful embrace past the dead man, down the stairs, and outside.

In the night air, Claire finally felt like she could breathe. It was then that she realized Alice was touching her – and she couldn't _stand_ it. She was still trembling, and her voice quivered because of it.

"Put me down. Alice! _Put me down!_"

The blonde released her immediately, allowing Claire's feet to hit the ground before letting go of her completely. The redhead backed away her legs barely holding her, but she remained upright. She turned her back to Alice and brought her hands up to press them into her face with her head bowed. Her red hair cascaded around her hidden features. She didn't know what Alice was doing, but she didn't care so long as Alice wasn't doing it to her.

She was just certain she'd never want to be touched again.

Claire stood like that for ages it seemed, but at least she was standing and doing it on her own power. Eventually she turned back around and found Alice's blue-eyed gaze upon her. Alice dropped it immediately and then kept perfectly still.

Without a word, Claire passed the ATV Alice must've used to get here and walked to the back of the Hummer where her possessions were kept. She looked up to make sure Alice couldn't see her. The blonde was out of sight, but Claire could still feel her presence nearby. She took the time to get herself cleaned up. She had to. Claire stripped in the darkness. It was painful, her fingers shook the entire time, and at the end she still didn't feel clean. Claire felt like she was covered in ash. She left her clothes in a pile of blood-stained fabric and put on her spare set.

When she was done she went to the passenger side of the Hummer and saw a third vehicle – the one that the man had used to get to her. Alice mirrored the motions with the same silence as she got in the driver's seat.

Claire was worried her injuries would be seen by the convoy, so during the ride she did her best to compose herself. She used the mirror and the small light that emanated from a soft blub next to it to assess the damage as Alice kept her sight trained on the road. The only thing that was actually visible was her busted lip. She probed it with an unsteady finger, and the agitation caused the cut to bleed again. Claire licked the blood away. The taste of copper emanated within and made her insides throb painfully. There was damage no one would see – that was obvious. Her physical injuries would heal, however.

On their return Carlos made a bawdy comment on just what he'd assumed the couple had used the farmhouse for, and Alice broke his nose without a single explanation or apology.

After that Claire was sure Alice kept everyone else away from her. She didn't know how, but it didn't matter. She was just happy to be left alone.

There was no real fear of pregnancy. Her body hardly ever cycled thanks to the constant stress of surviving on very little and constantly fighting for her life. It was that way for a lot of the women in her group.

The rest of the sleepless night found her shutting down. She grew cold in the semi-arid town as the temperature continued to drop around her. Claire knew it would be hot again tomorrow, she knew the convoy would have to get back on the road, and she also knew that being dead on the inside was the only way she'd be able to give the outward appearance of living.

* * *

_I'm not…good…at talking. Not even in my own head. But she's in pain. I just want to make that go away. I'd do…_anything _to make it better. I'd die for her…I'd _live_ for her. I'm no good at words, but I'm good at loving her. My touch is good. She avoids it. I just need one chance. One…kiss._

Alice was sure Claire didn't know she was being watched by her seeking eyes, but her gaze was always on the woman. Her sight, her presence was forever drawn to Claire. That night of trauma, Alice was sick to her stomach at Claire's leaving and sicker still when she finally gave in to the impulse to follow the redhead.

The sounds; the sight she emerged on in the darkness – it was instant blind rage. The anger evolved into sorrow and transcended into overwhelming regret, but a piece of the previous states stayed with her. It was like a cycle, and Alice could travel in any direction in an instant. One thing never changed though – her love for Claire fueling her unyielding need to help.

Claire had given her so much when she was certain she had nothing at all but blood on her hands and loneliness in her heart.

She'd tried to kiss Claire on occasion and had gotten close a few times before the redhead turned away. Alice would never force it on her and always stopped herself at the barest hint of Claire's hesitation. She also found herself avoiding the simple touches, her hand pushing a lock of red hair behind Claire's ear, a warm palm on Claire's lower back when she approached the woman from behind, and even the simple brush of fingers as they both reached for the same thing at the same time. She trained herself to always approach Claire from the front, to watch for the subtle signs that Claire wanted to be alone, and to keep her gaze from showing how much she wanted Claire.

The blonde even went so far as to not use her Kukri knives. Alice had been sharpening them one night by a fire as the redhead came upon her. The sturdy back and forth slice of the stone and the glint of steel seemed to reflect in Claire's green and empty eyes. Alice stuck to her guns after that.

She knew no one in the convoy was aware of what had happened to Claire, but they did notice a change in her demeanor. Alice kept hoping the redhead would talk to someone, even if it wasn't her. She'd tried once in the beginning to get Claire to tell Betty about her injuries. Claire refused.

The redhead wasn't always down, however. She could laugh, and it warmed Alice's heart every time she heard it. It was like the suffering was pushed down for a little while or perhaps like she'd forgotten entirely.

Alice knew it wasn't good to forget. Not before healing first. Claire would never truly move past the pain if she just kept it bottled. Other times Claire didn't leave the cork on, she downed the entire thing. The liquid memory haunted the redhead's dreams, and Alice longed to hold her through the nightmares like the redhead had done for her ages ago.

She often wondered who Claire blamed for what happened. She prayed desperately that it wasn't herself the redhead thought was at fault, but Alice knew better. Still, that was an ache she could caress away if only Claire would let her.

Alice decided it was time to try again. She walked into the orange firelight, slow and loud enough not to startle Claire. The redhead picked her chin up off her knees and gave Alice the smallest of smiles. Alice returned it, unguarded. With a lightened heart she sat cross-legged a couple feet away from Claire, far enough for the woman to not feel crowded but close enough to instill the tiniest intimacy they used to share.

The blonde swallowed as she settled a little more comfortably into the desert sand. The movement was a test. Claire didn't react, so Alice knew it was ok to go on with her plan.

Her voice was a steady whisper, barely louder than the flames crackling in front of them.

"I love you, Claire." The redhead still did nothing. "You are always safe with me. The pain…" Alice turned her head to look at the woman before finishing her promise, "I can take it away."

Claire finally returned her stare. The look on the redhead's face was an even mix of confusion, hurt, and – for the first time in three weeks – hope. Claire's mouth opened lightly, and her voice broke on the words.

"Kiss me. Alice. _Kiss me._"

Alice immediately wanted to follow the direction, but she was tempered against acting on her physical desires. It took her a moment to throw down the mental block; it took looking into Claire's crystal eyes and seeing the redhead's love desperately needing to be returned.

Alice closed the distance without hesitation, one hand in the sand between them to hold herself up, the other placed gently on the side of Claire's face to anchor the woman. She felt Claire begin to tremble as her lips neared, but the redhead's stare was unwavering.

The touch was the softest thing the blonde had ever felt as her eyes slipped shut. It was full of every tenderness Claire deserved and Alice had dreamed of giving. Claire didn't respond at first, but when Alice felt the redhead's lips press back into hers – she proved she could take Claire's pain away if given the chance.


	2. Radioactive

**Alright, this story is over for real this time. Again it deals with the aftereffects of rape, so avoid it if that gets to you.**

* * *

Radioactive

_She doesn't talk much, never really has. It's that sincerity – the genuine, open-hearted tone – when she does that I find myself being suckered into. She's never lied to me. I have nothing but reason to believe every word she says. I want to believe her. To be loved…safe… It used to come so naturally, at least in regards to her… Now it's a thought I can hardly consider. How will I ever be safe again? Her answer is gnawing at my contaminated insides. I'm trying to ignore it, but I can't help the words in my head. There's only one place I'll ever be safe. It's in her blue eyes and…in her arms._

Claire felt like she'd suddenly swallowed razor blades when she returned the kiss. Any second now her disgrace would pour out of her mouth in a gush of warm blood. She pulled away from Alice's lips and clamped a hand over her own to keep the words playing in her mind at bay.

"Open your eyes, Claire."

The redhead hadn't even realized they were closed. She let them open at Alice's gentle request and met the blonde's gaze. Her hand was still over her mouth. It was the only place where skin was on skin; Alice having pulled her own hand back at the abrupt end of the kiss.

Still, it didn't feel like enough. Claire's skin flushed and the hair on her arms rose. She didn't understand what was going on and brought up her other hand to the back of the first.

"Breathe, Claire."

Again, Alice had brought light to a reality Claire was missing. Her lungs were tight with lack of oxygen, but at the blonde's words she took in the slightest amount of air through her nose. The rush of breath made her lightheaded and forced her to close her eyes once more. But she kept breathing. Every inhale built up the panic, every exhale let it out.

She calmed slowly. When she was stable, she dropped her hands and then found herself staring at Alice. The look on her face Claire couldn't read. She almost never could tell how the blonde was feeling.

Claire glanced around to get the grip back on her surroundings. She was sitting in the sand; fire, light, and hope at her front; desert night, darkness, and despair at her back. And Alice exactly where she belonged – right by her side. Claire felt like a breathing contradiction. She wanted to be in Alice's arms, she just didn't want to be touched to do it.

The redhead didn't avoid every touch. She smirked when Carlos patted her on the back as he walked past her to set up the perimeter at night, she returned K-mart's 'no reason' hugs, she'd even muss the hair of the youngest members in her convoy when they got a little too rowdy. The difference was that she did all of those things blankly. She couldn't do that with Alice. The blonde stripped her bare.

Claire was truly exhausted now. "Alice…I'm tired."

The older woman smiled lightly in reaction and stood. Claire mirrored the movement and they walked to the yellow SUV together. Like every night since that painful one three weeks ago, Claire was forced to pause and physically stop herself from heading towards the back of the Hummer.

She wondered if she would always feel this way, if it was normal to want to avoid intimacy with the woman she loved. She really did love Alice, but she wasn't sure how to show it anymore. Not when every thought of kissing her took Claire back to a place she felt she'd never escape.

She hoped the blonde understood because her jaw clamped shut every time she tried to talk about it. Not that she tried all that much. Alice deserved so much more; she deserved everything she gave twice over.

The redhead settled in the vehicle to sleep, Alice in the seat across from her, but oblivion was far from her mind. She couldn't stop thinking about that kiss. Claire had wanted it so badly; she'd even asked for it. For a mere moment she felt safe because of Alice. Then the affection was commandeered.

Days came and went, and Claire spent those empty. In the passing nights she was haunted, but not by her demons. It was from Alice herself. She couldn't help seeing striking blue eyes, hearing whispered and loving words, feeling the phantom of Alice's kiss. More and more the redhead found herself wanting to repeat the offence and hungering for more than that still.

Claire knew how dangerous their world was. The biohazard had knocked the earth's balance from a slight variant of good and evil to a scale weighted heavily on one side. They were on the losing end. Humanity and compassion were torn from hopeless flesh by the undead cannibals and swallowed whole. What an apocalypse her life had turned out to be.

Still, it was nothing compared to the extinction of Alice's hope. Claire had given the blonde's heart the afterlife it craved, so why shouldn't she let Alice do the same for her?

Claire couldn't let herself be consumed along with the rest of the world. Not while she had Alice to fall back on; not while Alice gave her something real to live for.

The redhead initiated a second kiss a week after the first. She'd given Alice no warning, but the blonde didn't let her down. It was in the dark, and when they were alone; short and devoid of the ache for it to continue, but it wasn't followed by panic.

Another week after that Claire kept finding excuses to kiss Alice. The blonde would smile for no apparent reason, so Claire couldn't stop herself from lightly brushing their lips together. Alice was being so patient with her, and Claire loved the woman more for it. She even worked up to holding Alice's hand before they fell asleep in their individual seats, and while sometimes her own hand trembled as she did it she could never bring herself to let go.

Kissing Alice was beginning to get to Claire. She wantedthe blonde, wanted to give Alice pleasure like she used to. She was afraid Alice would want to return it, but the redhead couldn't help her desire; her need to show Alice how much she was cared about.

She didn't hold Alice responsible for the past in the slightest. How could she? She knew she was lucky Alice had come to save her at all. Though Alice hid it well, Claire knew the blonde felt guilty. It was in Alice's nature to blame herself for the things she thought she should've had control over. The reality of it was that Alice was a victim of horrible circumstance.

Claire didn't struggle with the aftereffects of the violence so much. Theirs was a world full of thousand yard stares, itchy trigger fingers, and a kill or be killed mentality. Still, the powerlessness of the act against her was engrained into her flesh with a scar. Claire compulsively touched the spot when she was feeling nervous. Her decision to sleep with Alice – to see where it would lead – did just that. She didn't know what would happen, who she would become when her passion came to the forefront. Yet, the fact that Alice would be there experiencing it with her was a comfort.

Mikey was a little late in setting up the computers to monitor the convoy's perimeter, so after checking in with him Claire was unsure as to where she'd find Alice. She needn't have worried. The taller woman was already waiting for her a few yards away when she stepped down from the news van.

"Hey," Alice greeted softly as she walked up to the redhead.

Claire gave her a sweet smile. "Hey back."

The pair ambled side by side, and on their way to the Hummer Claire nudged Alice playfully with her shoulder before whispering to her companion.

"I saw you today."

Alice perked an eyebrow. "Saw me?"

Claire nodded and smiled again at the memory.

The youngest member of her convoy, a little boy – only seven, had tears in his eyes and he wiped at them clumsily as the desert sun continued to bleach his unkempt hair. She'd just been about to comfort him, bringing forth the hope that the leader knew he would need to see in her eyes. But Alice had suddenly beaten her to it. With a content soul, Claire watched out of sight as Alice approached the boy. The blonde kneeled in sand and took him in her arms. When the compassionate action was done, Claire saw the child smile and speak to Alice. Whatever his words were, the woman appeared taken aback but humbled.

"Giving Rex that hug," Claire answered.

Alice grinned sheepishly as she rubbed the back of her neck in embarrassment.

The redhead spoke up again, curious as they continued forward. "What did he say to you?"

Alice dropped her hand and her grin as she answered, "He said I was the strongest person on Earth."

"Hm…" Claire tilted her head and brought her eyebrows together to show serious doubt, but the smirk on her face gave her away. She quit her teasing and met Alice's eyes. "It's true."

"No, it's not," Alice argued earnestly. "You will always be a million times stronger than the T-virus will ever make me."

There was that sincerity again so unique to Alice. It made Claire's jaw lock and her eyes burn with unshed tears. Without hesitation, she took Alice's hand in her own and led the woman the final few steps to the back of the Hummer. Like so many times before, Claire tugged on the latch and opened the gate. The back seats had been removed long ago so there was more space for storing supplies. Those provisions, however, could be pushed aside, an old sleeping bag put down and Claire could pull Alice inside. She did all of those things with relative familiarity, yet apprehensive silence.

If Alice had any expectations or thoughts on the situation, she didn't say them. But Claire knew the blonde was always thinking; she also knew the woman assumed nothing.

With Alice inside the vehicle, Claire intertwined their fingers. There was more than enough room for them to both sit comfortably, still their knees touched as they sat cross-legged in front of one another. Claire reached for Alice's other hand and smiled when the blonde met her halfway. Like their newly joined hands Alice matched Claire's smile. The happiness was more than displayed by her lips, it was shining though in her blue eyes as well.

Claire was so lost in them that she didn't register that she was moving in to kiss Alice. It was only when their noses brushed together that Claire realized her intent, closed her eyes, and acted. Even from endless days in the hot sun Alice's lips were soft. Even though Alice returned the kiss Claire could feel her holding back. The redhead knew she wasn't showing restraint out of lack of love but because of it.

She was so moved by Alice's self-control and desire not to push her that she deepened the kiss. Claire squeezed the blonde's hands before letting go of them so she could place her own on the woman's face. One of Claire's hands found Alice's cheek as the other wrapped around the woman's head to tangle in her messy hair. She felt Alice's hands on her knees, and though her nerves jumped a little at the touch she fought the light anxiety. Her heart was beginning to pound as she continued to touch her lips to Alice's with pressure in rising need.

Claire pushed Alice down slowly; their mouths never separate for longer than a ragged intake of breath. She lay on top of the blonde who was in turn on top of the worn sleeping bag. The interior of the Hummer was dark, but Claire wouldn't have known it from her shut eyelids anyway. All she knew was the feeling of Alice's lithe body beneath her.

It wasn't long before she knew Alice's skin too. Claire stripped the woman of every piece of fabric but remained fully clothed herself except for the belt she'd taken off so that it wouldn't dig into the blonde. She touched Alice, made the woman writhe with pleasure as Alice balled the material under her in tight fists.

The growing feeling in Claire's gut she recognized as pure arousal, but she kept it at bay to focus on Alice and…because it scared her.

Claire was in complete control of everything that happened for a time. She kissed Alice as hard as she wanted, she teased the blonde for as long she could stand to do it, but when her fingers made their way to where Alice needed her most…

The redhead suddenly had to remind herself that she wasn't taking anything that wasn't being freely given. Almost as if sensing her need, Alice opened her eyes and whispered to the younger woman.

"Please, Claire. I need _you_."

Claire could see Alice wasn't asking for what she wanted, but telling her so much more. With just those few words and the steady trust in cobalt eyes, Alice reassured Claire that she knew it was love the redhead was touching her with. Alice knew every one of Claire's actions was done for that reason, and her whisper was there to let Claire know it too.

She felt her heart was beating out of her chest in nervous fear that she was somehow crossing a line, but Claire touched Alice; the pads of her fingers moving against and inside stimulated flesh as she filled Alice with what she prayed desperately to be a heartfelt touch.

It was. As Claire brought the woman ever closer to her climax she could feel the affectionate drive mixed with pleasure fueling every of Alice's moans and whimpers. Claire hadn't made love to Alice since before…

When the blonde finally came and cried out her name, Claire was so satisfied to know that she could still show her love in such a way. The rolling waves of gratification surged through Alice, and the redhead smiled at the woman's eyes shut tight to feel the most of it. Right until Claire felt Alice's hands circle around her upper arms with vigor. It seemed an unconscious reaction on Alice's part, and though it made Claire tense she didn't move out of it.

Alice immediately opened her eyes and let go of Claire. Her voice was full of a kind of alarm the redhead had never heard from her before.

"I'm _so sorry_."

"It's ok," Claire soothed. She didn't want Alice to feel guilty for anything. In the darkness the blonde didn't look convinced, so with Claire's returned confidence she kissed Alice to prove it to her. Though her original intent had been reassurance, Claire found the kiss developing into more again. Alice's bare skin, and her own lack thereof, was compelling her to remedy the situation.

Before Claire knew what she was really doing, she was topless. She was just hungry with passion – a desire she knew only Alice could sate. The redhead crashed their lips together and at the contact of legitimate flesh on flesh, warmth shot through her.

It instantly startled her to the point where she lifted herself off Alice. The blonde looked up at her in worry, and Claire bit the inside off her lower lip as her arms held her weight. Alice raised a hand and placed it gently on Claire's cheek giving her more than enough time for her to make it known that she didn't want the touch. But Claire did – she wanted it more than anything.

Claire shut her eyes and moved her face into Alice's palm. The sound of the blonde's low voice grounded her.

"I'll keep you safe, Claire. Whatever you want – I want to give it."

The redhead didn't understand how Alice always seemed to know the right thing to say. It was probably because she spoke so little that she had the time to plan out every perfect word beforehand. It wasn't fair; not fair how Alice could read her like an open book, yet Alice held onto her own emotions. But that wasn't really true. Yes, the blonde was guarded, but all it took was one look her way from Claire and Alice was smiling like a fool.

Claire succumbed to Alice's words and found herself lowering back down to rest on the woman. Every action was slow, every kiss deliberate and tender. From there Alice's hands found their way back to gripping Claire's upper arms. The contact didn't affect her like last time. Alice's fingers trailed to her back. The light touching, the heavy kissing continued until Claire found herself ready for more. She didn't want to be on top any longer, not with her back so exposed.

She set herself down on her side, letting Alice roll so that they were facing each other. Claire still felt like she was too out in the open. The redhead turned the rest of the way so that she was on her back and waited for Alice to mirror the motion above her.

Alice obliged but kept most of her weight off Claire with strategically placed arms. Before the new position could get to her, the redhead leaned up and captured Alice's lips. Claire knew Alice would go as slow or as fast as she directed so she attacked the blonde feverishly. If she slowed down at all she'd be in great danger of stopping and never starting again.

She knew she was going about this all wrong. Losing sight of who she was; why she was doing this kept every emotion at bay. There would be no fear or depression, but also no love or humanity. Mindlessness would only get her so far.

If she was going to truly love Alice, she needed to give the blonde the same chance. With conscious intent Claire reached for the hand beside her head. Alice had to set her weight on her other elbow so that she could give the redhead control of what she wanted. Claire withdrew from Alice's kiss as she placed the blonde's hand at the button of her jeans. Her silent request was more than obvious, but Alice hesitated.

Their eyes met and only then did the blonde undo the fastening. Claire never knew she could feel such desire and dread at the same time. With her pants unbuttoned the redhead pushed them off, her thumbs catching her underwear so they could be lost as well. She didn't give Alice the option to help any more than she already had. Now they were both naked, Claire covered only by Alice's heated skin and shadows.

Claire didn't just feel completely bare she felt unworthy. The last attention her skin received was from a monster. She knew she was being ridiculous, but she couldn't keep the doubt from her mind. What if Alice didn't like what she saw? What if Alice wanted nothing to do with her disgrace, her powerlessness, her inability to stop the man that took so much from her?

The blonde was still staring at her but her eyes traveled away from Claire's to take in the woman in beneath her. Claire studied Alice's face, in the dim light it was difficult to say with certainty what she found, but Alice only looked happy. That was until blue eyes landed on the scar below her collarbone. Alice tore her sight away to find Claire's eyes again.

It was then that the redhead saw the truth. Yes, Alice _wanted_ her, but there was sadness behind her stare. It was intense, and Claire could see every ounce of fault Alice had, she could hear every reassuring word Alice needed spoken to her. Alice would never truly be ok unless Claire was too. It was a burden she knew the blonde never meant to give her, but she accepted it without a second thought.

Claire took Alice's free hand again and set it lightly on her scar. She could almost feel the abrasion through Alice's fingers because she knew its every nuance, every subtle rise and fall of the mutilation brought on by her own weapon. The redhead spoke with steady tenor.

"This is not your fault."

Alice's eyebrows knitted together in want of disbelief, but Claire knew she'd struck a chord within the blonde. Alice removed her hand and touched her lips to the scar instead. After the kiss, Claire pulled Alice face up to her to put the woman's lips to better use.

Their tongues met, and Claire spread her legs, allowing one of Alice's to settle between them. She began to move against it in slick need, extracting pleasure from the friction as she continued to lose herself again to Alice's kiss. She wanted more – she needed it.

She broke off from the kiss to pant out her instruction. "Please, Alice." Her voice caught, but she was able to state her desire none the less. "_Please_ – touch me."

Alice's hand traveled down, molding to all of the redhead's curves and planes of smooth skin perfectly until her fingers rested on Claire's hip. Claire knew she was wet and ready, knew she wanted this, but her breathing didn't hitch out of eagerness. It was apprehension. At the very first gentle touch of willing fingers to sensitive skin she was overwhelmed.

"_Stop_ – Alice, stop," Claire begged, but Alice had already pulled back at the start of the request.

Claire didn't even know why she was telling the blonde to stop. All she knew was that her chest was fixed and rigid with terror. Her skin had been flushed before, but now it was being flooded with chills. Claire's balance was off, her head full of fog. She wasn't sure if she was shaking or not, but Alice's stable voice began to work through the haze.

"It's ok," the blonde promised. "You're safe."

Alice's warm frame above her, the low voice in her ear, the blue eyes looking into her green ones – all brought Claire back to the security Alice had sworn to give. Claire was sure she should just quit for the night and try to sleep, but she didn't want to. The redhead was stubborn and she was arrogant. She was determined to keep on not really considering the cost to herself or Alice.

Claire brought her mouth to Alice's again. The blonde didn't kiss her back.

"Claire," Alice mumbled against the redhead's lips before pulling away. "You don't have to do this."

"Yes, I do," Claire answered, her persistence showing through. "If I don't…If I don't let you love me tonight…I'll just go back to the person afraid to kiss the woman she loves." To Claire, it was much more than that. If tonight wasn't the night, if she allowed herself to fail, she would be hard pressed to try again. She had never been a quitter, but she'd also never been so weak. That man had taken everything from her, and though Claire was fighting to get it back – she didn't feel strong enough. "I can't live like that."

This time when she kissed Alice, the blonde returned it with every bit of affection she always did. Claire felt the passion rising in her again as Alice's hand massaged her abdomen. Her muscles went taut when the blonde's fingers skirted to her hip, but it wasn't in anxiety. Alice took it slow, everything much more gradual than her first attempt.

When Alice finally entered her – their eyes locked in trust – Claire let out a gasp. She didn't know what she was expecting, but that it felt good was a nice surprise. Alice moved inside her almost torturously slow. Claire bit into her lip as she moaned for more. Her eyelids slid closed in pleasure, but because they stayed that way the redhead found her consciousness delving into the past.

She began to forget whose fingers were pushing inside her, whose weight it was that gravity was trying to pull down onto her, whose eyes she would see if she opened her own. The movement in her hips lessened as she quit seeking out the blonde's touch. Claire was contaminated with thoughts of him. The dose of her radioactivity was enough to kill herself…or Alice, she was sure of it.

"Look at me," Alice whispered.

Claire couldn't stop herself from following the instruction anymore than she could hold back on the consequences of meeting Alice's stare.

There was a kind of fabric beneath her, that was the same, but beneath that wasn't wood floor – it was the Hummer truck bed. There was a body stronger than hers on top of her, but it wasn't taking – it was giving. There was a feeling being imposed upon her, but it wasn't pain – it was love. The only thing that was truly the same was that – again – Alice had come to save her.

Claire went back to feeling the touch Alice was giving to her in the back of the SUV. The blonde matched her need, movement for movement as Claire found herself moaning again. Their gaze never wandered as Claire approached her climax with hurried breaths.

The redhead hit the edge with engulfing force, and Alice's name was drawn from her lips in wonder. Her body quivered with pleasure, the air leaving her lungs in heavy pants, her heart hammering against her ribcage, but she managed to pull Alice down on top of her. Claire took all of the blonde's weight with glee and wrapped her arms around the woman she wanted to hold close.

Breathing into Alice's neck she felt the blonde nuzzle into hers before the woman spoke.

"I love you so much."'

Claire wanted to say the same thing, but for the first time it was the redhead who was speechless. Her jaw was weighted with the words she wanted to say, but tears found their way to her cheeks instead. She hadn't cried in a long time. The water on her face wasn't there for sadness but joy.

Alice noticed and pulled a little out of Claire's embrace. The redhead looked up, happy to see the woman she wasn't afraid to kiss. She watched Alice smile as the blonde whipped away her tears with her thumbs and then questioned her.

"How do you wanna lay?"

Claire shook her head along with giving her answer. "I don't care, so long as it's in your arms."

Alice chuckled with affection. "Well, that was a given."

The pair ended up with Claire's back pressed firmly into Alice's front as they lay on their sides. The blonde's arms were held securely around her as her own kept Alice's in place. Not that Claire had any fear of the woman letting go, she just wanted to be as close to her as possible. Alice found a blanket prior to settling and had draped it over them both.

The fabric rose and fell with their breathing as Claire recovered. She tried to match Alice's deep breaths with her own. Claire could tell she was beginning to drift, but that was ok. It was more than ok. She was protected – loved.

Though her sleep was dreamless she woke up shaking. Claire didn't really know why, but it didn't matter because Alice was right next to her and already awake. The redhead moved onto her back and pulled the blonde's naked frame on top of her. She felt the truth in knowing that having Alice so close would always be enough to keep her safe.

Claire was visibly brighter every day, and it had everything to do with the Alice and just as much to do with herself.


End file.
